The diary of Aragorn
by paint-pastel-princess
Summary: Sure, he looks great. But is Aragorn really as manly and incredible as he is made out to be? All secrets revealed including the death of Harry Potter, Arwens depression and an unlikely addiction to Jamie Cullum and of course, a working bee! Exciting!
1. I, am Aragorn

Disclaimer: I do not own any of these characters, I do, however, own the computer they have been typed on. Sort of

Hi, this is something I wrote when I was really bored and playing with my cat, so be gentle. Please Review!

The Journal of Aragorn, son of Arathorn:

December 26th:

Had Christmas with Arwen, who gave me this wonderful journal. I have decided that I will write in it every day, after all, I need to keep my thoughts in order, as I am Aragorn, son of Arathorn: King of Gondor!!

I will fill this journal with all of my daring cutthroat adventures so it can be an adequate resource of my life. Then after my mysetious death, (hopefully years from now) Woman's Weekly magazine can use it as reference to write far fetched stories about yours truly.

Never will there be a bleak moment in this diary, for I will only save the most exciting, most enthralling moments! I have so many I am sure Arwen will need to buy me a new one before next Christmas.

Electrifying Aragorn … No … Astounding Aragorn, King of Gondor they will call me!! With the life like a crazy rollercoaster and a lovely Elven princess whom he shares it with. This will be the most wonderful diary in existence!!!!!!!

**Later**

Wanted to go fishing with Legolas in the lake but ended up staying home. Had to help Arwen peel the dead skin of her heels.

December 28th:

Arwen asked me if I loved her today. Told her yes, I do. Asked her if she loved my new cologne, "Rugged Musk Scent" (Authors note: Only Michaela and Lauren will get that) and she told me that

she would perhaps prefer less of it.

The nerve of that woman. Dear God.

On other hand did go fishing with Legolas today. Legolas caught a lovely long trout, and I would have liked to cook it but Legolas, being the fuckin greenie he is, blessed it, gave it a kiss and threw it back. I Watched longingly as the stupid fish swam away.

I caught a boot and some pond weed. Also, on the way home I found a voucher for a free McChicken burger at McDonalds but I cremated it. Gack. McDonalds. The D-student of all fastfoods.

December 31st:

There was a council meeting today about Gondor tourism rates. Didn't really know what was going on so sat there looking grave and nodding my head occasionally, whilst secretly dreaming of Arwen. Then went and paraded around Gondor for a while in a manly fashion. And guess whom I bumped into? Frodo! He said he was just here for the sights, but I could see in his basket, a box of Gondors famous snail killer. I asked him about it and said he had a real problem up at Hobbiton with snails eating his cabbages.

I was concerned as I love cabbages, they are my favourite especially when Arwen boils them for me. She never lets me cook, as she says I am a bad cook. Hmph. So Frodo and I discussed cabbages for several moments and now Frodo and Peregrine Took are coming for supper tomorrow. Should be a joyous occasion. Think I will get Arwen to tweeze my eyebrows.

January 1st:

Oh calamity! Horrors of Horrors! Frodo and Pippin arrive in 10 minutes and am in such a pickle! Arwen just HAD to be off healing sick children I had to tweeze my own eyebrows … and ended up with none! I look like and ostrich egg … especially as I tweezed of my eyelashes too …

… still not sure why I did that.

So I tried cutting some of my own hair off and gluing it above my eyes, but started to look like Gimli so wrenched it off. In the end I used Arwen's eyebrow pencil to draw them back on, then drew lines on my eyelids to look as though I still had lashes.

I don't know how Arwen manages.

January 2nd:

Dinner last night was bad. Frodo and Pippin kept giving me strange looks, and then diverted their eyes. Arwen was no help as she kept saying in her high shrill voice, "But how DID you manage to tweeze them **All** off?? Why didn't you STOP you thickwitted invertibrate! You look like a transvestite you moronic prick!

I didn't even think Arwen knew what a transvestite was … I must see to what language Haldir has been teaching her.

January 4th:

Made the mistake of going out in public with my eyebrowless and lashless face. Now they think it's a new craze just because they saw their king with it, so the public tweezed their eyebrows and lashes. Only they look worse as most of them have no eyebrow pencil to patch it up.

Its official, I am running a city full of crosses between eggs and boiled rats.

January 5th:

Suspect Arwen is reading my diary. Very well then, I will hide it so even the cleverest of clever cannot find it. Oh Aragorn, son of Arathorn, you are a wise one!!!

January 21st:

Found diary. Or should I say Arwen found it by accident when she sat down on the couch and it was squeezed up from its hiding place between the couch cushions. I completely forgot about it.

Am growing some potatoes in the back yard as Arwen says they are too expensive to buy at the moment. That is a shame, because I am very fond of potatoes. She said the soil we have is too hard and dry to grow anything in, when I was trying to dig a hole in a deceivingly large rock.

Hmph. We will just see about that. I can grow a potato in a rock just as good as the next person.

(Fanfare) What did you think? Sorry it's bad but it is the first chapter….if it is successful I'll post up more chapters! Thanks! Bye!


	2. In memory of the white vegetable

Yes Yes Yes!! Second chapter….actually its really not that exciting….but you know, I need some excitement in my dull little life. Anyway, please review!

Disclaimer: I do not own any of these characters, I do, however, own the computer they have been typed on. Fuck. Actually I don't.

February 1st:

Hello, and good day to you Mr Diary. I, as you know, am Aragorn, son of Arathorn, King Of Gondor. Hear that??? KING!!!! AHAHAHAHAHAAHAAHAAHAHAAHAAAAAAHAAAAAAAA! Ahem. Yes, well then, This is my first entry for February. Weathers okay. Kind of balmy. So yes. I don't have much to say. Is it obvious?

February 3rd:

Um…………….well I don't really have a terrible lot to say. My Potato sprouts have not blossomed out of my rock garden yet, so my life as King is a bore. Man I can't wait for those potatoes to grow. Its going to be so much fun!! Think, when some shoots come out of the ground, I can sit in the dirt and watch them! Oh Joy, joy joy! I think I will go out and water them.

February 4th:

Am about to go see what should be a highly amusing play. It is called "The Feebleshtick Bum Thief" It is about a delightful young cherub of a man named Ewe. R. Consti-Pated, who goes on a quest of some sort. Although I am not sure of what quite of quest it is, but I am sure I can relate, as have been on many a quest myself. Should be quite the performance.

February 5th:

I am very disgusted! The play was nothing but simple idiot-fodder full of sexual undertones for the amusement of the tiny minded. Honestly! How was I to know this, this "quest" was some complete tosspot searching for the missing backsides that belonged to people from a ridiculous town named Feebleshtick? Utter garbage! And the main characters name, "Ewe. R .Consti-Pated." I didn't know why everyone found that so funny until I found the reference to the Ewe, as in female sheep!

I think people should leave the farmyard fauna out of ridiculous stories such as these.

And what part of a last name is Consti-Pated? There must be some meaning I have not clicked onto yet. Although I have studied it thoroughly and I cannot find an hidden meaning of the sort. Highly disappointed. I think I will pick up my spirits by watering my potatoes.

February 9th :

Watered the potatoes this morning.

I have decided that I will sew myself a pencil case. Every one else on the Gondor Council has their own pencil case except me. After all it is ridiculous that I, the King of Gondor should not have one, as they are so useful.

I mentioned this to Arwen and she (Bless her) offered to make me one. But I believe I should start to do things for myself. Arwen disagrees and says that I have always done things for myself. But, Afterall, my heir Isildur was never very self reliant. Always getting his guards or that silly ring to do his work for him. When I voiced my concerns to Arwen, she said, "You are Isildurs heir, not Isildur himself." But to this I replied, "the same blood flows in my veins." I paused and leaned in close and whispered, "The same weakness." It was an intense moment. I then sat down at the sewing machine and sang the latest hit by Jamie Cullam as I worked.

February 10th:

I do not believe my hands will ever look the same again as I managed to sew them together on that cursed sewing machine.

February 15th:

Arwen finally talked me around to letting her unpicking the pink thread that is holding my hands together. It has been getting me some strange looks at council as well as the small side effect of being extremely painful. Although I have seen a few townsfolk walking around with their hands sewn together, as I am. Not many though.

Arwen finished my pencil case for me. I still have the pink threading along the edge, despite recent unpleasant encounters with it.

Watered my potatoes. Cant wait till they're grown.

February 18th:

My hands are cut and scarred possibly for life because of the maniac contraption.

February 22nd:

Arwen and I played a game of scrabble last night. Arwens first five words were, you, rude, unco-coordinated, ungrateful, bastard. She made these while making suggestive noises and looking at me in a meaningful way. I may be jumping to conclusions, but I think she was trying to get a point across. However, I don't know how she managed to make those words when there are only seven letters available at once.

You know what? I think she might be in a tiff with me.

Watered those splendid potatoes again.

February 24th:

I was RIGHT! I Aragorn, the decipherer of women was correct in how I thought Arwen was mad at me. She blew up at me today, saying I was rude and crude and how could I say such a thing.

Well, paint me green and call me Gumbi, but I didn't know what it was I said. So she answered, "You don't know???? What did you say when I tried on that red dress at the mall the other day and I asked,

"Does my buttocks look big in this?"

Well, how was I supposed to know you don't say "Yes, and any sexual arousal I once received from looking at you has shrivelled into oblivion?"

I watered the potatoes and gave them some fertilizer. Very Excited.

February 26th:

Potatoes doing well. Watered them.

Arwen is talking to me again. I knew she missed my manly aura.

February 28th:

Potatoes died. Arwen says I watered them too much.

Ahem, yes, alrighty then. Well, that was weird and lame but still please review … next chapter up sometime relatively soon … run while you can.


	3. Is their something wrong, Arwen my dear?

I know It's been along time but I have been a bit discouraged as my Pirates of the Caribbean Mary Sue Parody was a booming failure. Shame, I was proud of that one…oh well. Feel free to read that one if you like I guess.

Also watch out very closely for some other familiar face - wont say no more.

**Basil: You told them who it was in the summary, you moron.**

Oh yes. So I did.

Oh well.

I'm sorry, this story is quite tedious. But Please review if you make it to the end. - Or if you don't make it to the end due to the averageness of this fic then – yeah.

PLEASE REVIEW!

Disclaimer: I do not own any of these characters, I do, however, own the computer they have been typed on. Wait, no I don't.

March 2nd:

Mourning period for my potatoes ended today. I have fasted for exactly two days and have only spoken the words, "Yes," "No Way," "Lead Piping," and "I'll have that jar of beetroot, please." Pretty damn good if I do say so myself.

March 3rd:

Boy did I have an interesting day Today!! Wanna hear? Ok!

I got up at the crack of dawn this morning and I went into the kitchen. I decided to make a piece of toast so I set our grill oven on a high flame and put the toast inside for exactly three minutes. When I took it out it was burned on one side and slightly charred on the other. That is good enough so I took it off the grill tray and put it on a plate. Then I sat down to eat it. I ate it. Then I put the place in the dishwasher and went to my bedroom to get dressed for today's Gondor council meeting. I chose my new black robes and wore my rugged emu-hide boots over black tight pants. I did not shave as I wished to maintain my manly attire. I bid Arwen Adieu and got on my trusty steed to ride to the main hall of Gondor. There, I met the rest of the Gondor party and we all sat down and discussed the importance of Collective Bargaining Agreements and the way they may have an impact on the P-Stat Economy of the Gondor civilians. I was against making the civilians pay extra through their taxes but the others were all for it. I stood my ground and said. 'I Aragorn, son of Arathorn, King of Gondor want the civilians to pay less through taxes and Collective Bargaining Agreements will not interfere with the tax system we have today!' Then I leered at them all to show them who was the REAL MAN. At that point they all agreed in a Gondor fashion non-threatening manner and one man went to get a cup of coffee which concluded our meeting for that day. I left the hall for the Gondor Park and found a nice shady tree to eat my beetroot and onion sandwich that Arwen had packed me for my lunch. It was very good. I got a ring of onion stuck between my two front teeth so I picked it out with a bone I found in my bag, which was most likely left over from one of my manly hunting escapades. Afterwards I thought I might borrow some books from the Gondor public library to pass the afternoon. I searched for my library card in my emu–hide wallet and set off for the library. I ended up borrowing three large books, "Potato farming; for fun and profit without getting too emotionally involved," "Flamenco dancing – Is it for you?" and "War and Peace." (Author note: yes I'm aware that in Middle earth they most likely didn't have the book War and Peace, but just go with it!) I packed these books in my bag, and went to find my horse who, I had forgotten about, hitched back at the Gondor Hall. Then I rode back to my humble abode and now, it being late afternoon, will start on reading "War and Peace." Should be quite the novel. Very Excited.

So there you go! Wasn't my day simply riveting? Man of Action they will call me when they discover my diary in thousands of years time! I wish I could be around to see me be immortalised in a child's action figure! I'll have Theme Music! (To the tune of "Duck Tales") Aragorn! Woo-ooh! Everyday he's out there, He is, Aragorn! Woo-ooh!

I will be immortalised in song!

March 5th:

I read "War and Peace." I understood about nine words in that book. Not sure what it was about, although I get the inkling it was about a beautiful girl called Mary and an evil necklace. (Authors note: -confused? See another lame fanfic of mine…"My name is Mary", chapter 4)

March 8th:

Arwen has been weird lately. I'm not sure why. She is always crying loudly at the drop of a hat, and keeps fondling our razor sharp butcher knife near her heart saying "Soon you two will be united."

You know what? I think she may be in a spot of depression.

March 11th:

I will find out what is wrong with Arwen. It is my duty as a husband after all.

March 12th:

Arwen asked me today if I honestly, truthfully thought her nose was too big. I know a way to a woman's heart is honesty. I looked at it closely and said, 'Well now that you mention it, I-'

She slapped me at this point and flounced off.

I was peeved. Well she asked me to be honest in the first place didn't she?

So to her retreating back I screamed, 'Whey – HEY! PMS! PMS! PMS! Look OUT! PMS alert!' Then I made "Woop, Woop" siren sounds. Now I think about it that may not have been the best course of action to take.

March 14th:

I apologised to Arwen last night. I held her tight and told her, "Arwen, my dear, I am dreadfully sorry about my outburst yester eve. I wish to apologise. Your nose is not too big, Tis a vision of beauty, like the sun rising in all its glory, the goddess Aphrodite in her shining light and I could not wish for you to have a more beautiful nose bestowed upon your beautiful face."

It took me forty-five minutes to memorise that from one of Arwen's slushy Mills & Boon novels.

March 17th:

Ate some bean sprouts for tea. Enjoyed them very much. I had no idea you could boil them. I wonder how many other vegetables you can boil? Can you boil potatoes?

I bet my rock garden potatoes would have loved to be boiled, had they lived to this day.

Oh dear, every time I think of my late potato family I get a little teary.

I promised myself I wouldn't cry anymore.

Oh Shitballs.

Excuse me one moment. My eyes are having an allergic reaction to the air which is making them water involuntarily. I'm not crying. Anyone who says I am is a liar! Liar I tell you! In fact, just piss off! I'm not crying! Liar!

March 20th:

I had nothing to do today so Arwen suggested I make something. As I didn't know what to make, she suggested something that could be useful around the house, whilst pointing to things like the bookcase and spice rack.

I came up with the perfect solution. I drew identical little houses on one hundred separate pieces of paper, each with a door, two windows and a chimney. Then I cut all of them out and put them in a sack. Arwen didn't seem too impressed with my gift of one hundred paper houses. Hmph. I thought they were a nice gesture.

March 23rd:

Today was Gondor Parade Day! I love Parade day! It's where Gondor has a Parade! This year it was a parade in memory of all the elves, men and dwarfs who fought and died in the battle against Sauron for Middle earth a few years ago, so twas quite the cheerful event. They sold fairy floss in three flavours: strawberry, vanilla and hobbit.

Everyone turns up for parade day. Each year I see someone I have never seen before. Like today, for instance I saw a boy of about 15. He was a funny looking chap with black hair, round glasses and a repugnant lightning shaped scar on his forehead. He was wearing black robes and had a funny stick sticking out of his robe pocket. He was mooching around looking gloomy and angry and kept bellowing angsty speeches every time someone spoke to him. I meant to ask his name but a parading Oliphant carrying men from the front line of the battle trampled him, so I never got the chance trampled him. I think he might have died. At least no one seemed to like him.

On other note, the rest of the day was a complete success!! Cheers for me!

March 25th:

Hoo Boy. Arwen threw a fit today. Remember the speech I recited to her about her nose and where I got it from? Well, she read that book today and put two and two together. She called me many a name including "Portentous Nutsack" and "Insensate Wackjob." Boy, am I glad I don't know what they mean.

March 27th:

Told Arwen that yes, I did take my apology straight from a book but assured her that I still meant it one hundred percent, and meant no ill offence. Then told her I would love her forever, regardless that her nose looks like an ice pick stuck on a barn door. She then ran to her room crying, most likely from happiness. I have such a way with women!

March 30th:

Do I have a way with women?

Mach 31st:

End of yet another eventful month of my life. I have learnt that you need to life each day to the fullest, and you have to grab that bull by the horns, and do your Thang!

Seriously, grab those horns. I still have bruises on me derrière.

BARF! Terrible, I know, but please, I am very discouraged at the moment. I dunno if I'll continue this…please let me know what you think! And please, review!

Please?

Go-on.

The button to click is just a few inches southward.

Please?

**T o t a l S i l e n c e**

random person coughs

Oh well. Thanks for reading anyway!


	4. The Cave Troll Rebellion

Yes the fourth instalment. What a momentous occasion. Won't say no more here … please review! 

April 1st:

Alas and woe. Trouble has befallen my beloved city. Due to all this bloody "Ecological rescue system" and "making a city safer for our younger generation" which some smarmy elf introduced; It is official that eveyone in Gondor, including the I, the King, who owns a cave troll, they must keep them away from Gondors crops at all times, lest the trolls be chained up. Is that fair I ask you? I mean sure, the cave trolls may have acccidently sat on a few crops causing a few famines and certain death for over half of Gondors peasants, but really!

I will have to rebel against this ridiculous new rule.

How did they even get it past me without me okaying it anyway?

Anyway, will have to rebel aggainst. I will buy a cave troll and let it sit, tramp, fart and mutilate anything it bloody well wants.

April 3rd:

Bought my cave troll!!!! A lovely teenage boy with one eye and a hand covered in a fungusy rash. Called it Arwen.

April 4th:

There has been some confusion about Arwens name. Not wife Arwen, cave troll Arwen, see cave troll Arwen, no, wait, Wife Arwen said that she didn't think that purchasing Arwen was a good thing for herself, Arwen, or I to grow as a couple if we are burdened with an extra Arwen whome Arwen didn't want in the first place. Arwen spoke to Arwen and Arwen whacked her across the face so now and nursing Arwens wound without Arwen, whilst telling Arwen that Arwen was a good example of what I what ridiculous rules were put agains Arwen and I.

Phew, I had a hard time following that.

Arwe – sorry – April 6th:

Arwen seems quite upset that I named a massive, grotesque cave troll after her.

Well, I thought it was a nice gesture.

April 7th:

I made a bed for Cave Troll Arwen. Build a shed for him outside.

Well, I built most of the shed.

Okay, FINE. Haldir built the shed. Can I help it if he is manlier in that context than I?

ANYWAY, Cave Troll Arwen has a new home outside. When I coaxed him in last night he got in a right tiff and tore on of the seven walls off and threw it at my head. Such a playful little soul. Blessings and good tidings to Cave Troll Arwen.

April 10th:

Is very bad. Cave troll Arwen has been missing for almost three days. I woke up on the eight to find him gone and his shed in pieces. Well, he may be gone but I will never give up looking for him, Never, for love or money! I will get Arwen to help, and perhaps Legolas, Gandalf and ooh, of course Haldir, because Haldir can make anything into a party.

Have been searching for almost an hour. I am absolutely exhausted. Arwen couldn't help me, she had to go revive a dying child over in bloody Edoras, Gandalf was "indisposed" (meaning either he has cursed himself again by accident, making him sing the song about the goblin or he is making out with someone. Since it cannot possibly the latter I think it is best not to bother him as I have no intention of hearing about that wretched goblin again. Well, with all that jazz about the ring, I have had enough of Gandalf for a lifetime. Anyway, Legolas and Haldir were off on their new jobs – they sell cosmetics to the lower life forms of Middle earth like Moria Orcs, Gollum wannabes (one found to be Andy Serkis's evil jealous twin brother) and Rohirrim.

So will pursue alone. After dinner.

April 11th:

Still no sign of Arwen. I got his shed rebuilt and everything.

April 13th:

Still no sign.

April 15th:

Still no sign.

April 16th:

Still no sign, but I saw a horse with black spots.

April 18th:

Still no sign.

April 19th:

No sign, but Arwen is back and said she'd help me.

April 21st:

No sign.

April 23rd

We found him! He was sitting at the edge of Fangorn Forest near West Emnet. And he was crying. Have you ever heard the tears of a Cave Troll? They cut through you, like a knife through your heart. It is not like those cries you can ignore, like that of sick children or dying animals. It is a cry that I will remember for the rest of my life.

Arwen suggested to me that perhaps he wanted to go home. I doubt he originally lived in the Fangorn forest, but I agreed. He would be happier there. It was folly of me to try and imprison such a natural, beautifully spirited creature in rebellion of Gondor laws.

After all, on his way to Fangorn, he did destroy the life work and crops of eighteen families (and counting) and squash out and entire species of wild horses but lets look at the positives.

He was a good friend and mentor. Oh! The games we played! The laughing and jesting we shared! After all, Cave Troll Arwen brought Arwen And I closer together.

As we watched him amble into the forest, Arwen placed a sympathetic arm around my shoulders.

'Whatever happens, my cave troll friend … Remember! You'll always be in my heart!' I called out as together, we watched Arwen charge through the forest, trampling plants and knocking over Ents as he went.

April 26th:

Dismanlted Arwens house that I rebuilt for him in the backyard. Actually I didn't. When Arwen came into the backyard to ask if I wanted lemonade, she breathed and blew the whole thing over. Quick and easy. I am the accomplished builder!

April 27th:

Things just are not the same without Cave Troll Arwen. The sun isn't bright, the birds don't sing as sweetly and no flowers in bloom. I told Arwen this and she said the weather had been overcast for three weeks, flowers will not bloom as it is out of season, and there are no birds in our area because Arwen ate them all before she ran away.

April 29th:

Eating birds … yarg.

April 30th:

End of another month. Have a new resolution: Will. Get. A. Hobby.

Next cHapt: Aragorn joins the Pun 'n' Poets club …… need I say more?

Please review! They are all appreciated!


	5. Punlesspantsdown

Hey guys, thanks a lot for all the reviews … especially Karvian … thankyou for supporting my premature midlife crisis.

Anyway, I am hoping to be able to squeeze a few more ideas into this next chapter, but we will just see how things go …

Thankyou! Please review!

May 1st:

Have decided that I will get a hobby, as I seem to have too much free time. However it will be a worthy hobby, one that I hope will benefit all of mankind for years to come. After all, I am King, and Kings do not waste their time. I'll have to give this some thought.

Learning Pilates?

Maybe I'll ask Arwen…

May 3rd:

Arwen had many suggestions, many of which I vido-ed. I mean come on! She suggested I learn CARPENTRY! What a useless, pointless, ridiculous profession. N one important in history was a CARPENTER. If I wanted to waste my time that badly I'd invent Motion Pictures! Or build on the idea of "The Wheel" I mean, Geez! It's a wheel! It aint getting any further than a hrose and cart, I promise you!

She also had many other suggested all of which sucked eggs. Some of the more memorable ones were learning Black Speech, field farming and gourmet cooking. All Stupid. Stupid, stupid Arwen.

I thought that perhaps I'd work on my public relation skills. After all, I did come across as somewhat of a toolbag during all that ricketa-racketa with Frodo, the ring and world domination. Always so moody and suspicious of everyone and unnecessarily hostile throughout the journey. But hey, everyone has problems. I just happen to be a hobbit fancying wanker.

May 5th:

Have decided I will join a club of some sort. Then due to my superior skills in … well lets be honest, pretty much everything … I will climb to the top of the ladder of the club, become president AND treasurer AND secretary, which maybe will one day lead me to be The King of Gondor.

…Wait…

May 6th:

Have found the ideal club! It is formed by the intellectual apex of Gondor only, so I am sure I can buy my way in. It is called the Pun'n'Poets Society of Gondor or just "P-Sog's" for short. Apparently to enter, you have to submit one piece of poetry, maximum two hundred words including as many possible-pun moments as you can. It will be judged, not only on the quality, but also on the phrases, which can inspire one to pun. Should be quite the poem.

May 8th:

Have written my Poem! Would you like to hear? Of course you would! Poetic Justice!!!

Ahem.

Listen Scumbags I am Aragorn the King of Gondor and I want in on your little punning escapade, so you better give me membership or I'll order for the lot of you to be impaled on your picket fences.

Okay maybe there isn't much poetry in this, but this is just to get entry. After I'm in I'll be punning and poetising with the best of them. Aragorn, Son of Arathorn, King of Pundor!! Ha!ha! I am hilarious!

May 10th:

No answer from the Pun'n'Poets. I hope I didn't frighten them with my Manly entry application.

May 11th:

No answer. Am getting nervous.

May 13th:

Arwen was painting a picture today. Thought it was very good although I didn't understand it. It looked like a Brachiosaurus having a spleen cleansing. Arwen later told me it was a still life of the tree in our front yard. I can see it now. She is a very good little artist. I told her that from now on I'd call her ARTwen. Boo-yah!

Still no answer.

May 15th:

Finally got an answer form the Pun'n'Poets club! They accepted my application, as I knew they would, commenting that linguistic skills are indeed my forte. First meeting on the 20th of May!

May 16th:

Gosh I am nervous about the first meeting. I mean, what if I make a pun that has already been punned. Or worse yet, what if I find I can't make a pun? I'll be a laughing stock! Or worse … What if they name me "Punless Pants-down???"

Well I spose if any of them tease me I can just nick of their head with my sword and be done with it. Ah, Its great to be King.

May 20th:

Whew, I just got back from the first meeting and if I do say so myself, I think I impressed them a great deal.

First we all sat down in a circle and discussed about our favourite poets. I didn't know any poets, so when it came to my turn, I said this, but informed them my favourite poems came from classic books such as "Let 'er Rip, Potato Chip!" and "Snug as a Bug in a Rug." At this point they all went silent and looked at each other, most likely from their intimidation of my towering poetic intellect.

Then we discussed ways we could put puns to our favourite poems, and what the element of a pun was.

It was wonderful! My homework assignment is to write a poem based on the style of some bloke named Honore De Balzac or something. No idea who he is, however everyone knows you don't need to know anything about someone to imitate them.

May 21st:

Have abandoned all my kingly duties to write my poem. I mean, shit, I only have a week before the next meeting and I have to get this poem done by then so the rest of the class can all pun it! Gondor can organise itself.

May 23rd:

This is going to be one hell of a poem. I got through the intro last night and yesterday now I am working on the body. This will be awesome.

May 25th:

Cripes, I haven't slept in five days as I have been working on this godforsaken poem. To tempt me to sleep, Arwen even suggested in a very un-elf manner that we practise for when we eventually want to put a "bun in the oven" if you get my drift. But no, my poem comes first. Before my wife, which is the basis of a very healthy marital relationship.

May 26th:

Success! After many days of toiling and strain I have finally put together what I think is the apex of all Middle Earth literature! My Poem. Here I'll write it for you: MY Poem. I wrote it about Daisies.

Daisies.

Tall, Slim.

Look nice,

In a vase

On a table

In my house.

What do you think???? Do you lurve it!!!!!????

May 27th:

Meeting today. I completely blew my fellow poetry punners away. I did a dramatic reading of my poem, so for each line I did a movement. For example, when I read out "Tall, Slim" I stood up as tall and straight as I could, hands by my sides. And for "Look nice" I did the sexiest pose I knew. Sultry Aragorn! I was so good I would blow your head off! (Authors note: Ha! Michaela remember Ancient Studies? "These artifacts are just so amazing, they'll … they'll blow your head off!)

None of them could pun it however. Hmpf, I thought these people were meant to be professionals.

On other note, was given another homework task. I have to take five everyday sentences, such as, "Honey I'm Home," or "Arwen, get you head out of the oven," and pun them. A challenge, but I'm good at challenges. I mean I mastered writing my name by just 17!

May 28th:

Found out today that I have been spelling my name wrong for the past few years, when signing official Gondor documents. I found this out when I received a letter from across the sea addressed to "Aragog," and they kept making references to me being a giant spider. How embarrassing, although slightly puzzling.

May 31st:

Gee, punning is tougher than I thought. It is hard to always be able to create such delicious puns at the drop of a hat. I hope I will be able to stay in the club. I mean, I've got Poetry down packed, but that is only half the requirements. Gulp.

Hoo Boy, I have stolen lots of things from this chapter. Here we go:

"Let er Rip Potato Chip" and "Snug as a Bug in a rug" are real books … has anyone read them? Also in the series are "unreal, banana peel," "Alright Vegemite!" and "far out Brussel Sprout!" So yeah, I did not make them up. They (godforbid) are REAL.

Some of you who have read "the Growing Pains of Adrian Mole" would have recognised Aragorn's daisy poems as being basically a carbon copy of Barry Kent's poem, entitled "poppies." So you can't sue me for that either.

Oh, and I didn't copy it but the inspiration for this chapter came from none other than a special edition DVD that you got if you have bought Brisbane band George's new album "Unity" (its an absolute pleasure to listen to). Anyway, on one of the features, "the making of Unity" there is a little thingie at the end between two Band members, Tyrone Noonan (co-vocalist) and Paulie Bromley (bassist) which is describes as a "pun shoot out" (or "pun out"…brilliant.) Anyway, I thought this was a classic and just reawakened the whole world of puns to me, so I thought I'd include the general transcript:

There are some bits that are wrong coz I'm doing it from memory, as I'm not about to go downstairs, start up the DVD player and jot it down word for word. Heck, I'm only including this as I need to waste about twenty minutes before my brother gets off the computer so I can upload this onto 

Paulie: It's a shoot out … it's a pun out. (To Tyrone) Someone has to say a sentence and then we have to quickdraw a pun, and see who gets it first … thinking caps on?

(Tyrone puts on a "george" endorsed hat)

Paulie: (to producer, who is sitting at a computer, he says his name, but I forget it) Bestow us with a sentence, for which we will quickdraw a pun.

Producer: I can't do this man, I'll fuck it up.

Paulie: (instantly) Well don't get you back up about it!' (makes weird ass water pistol noises and makes gun motions at Tyrone. I think its meant to be a pistol shot as Tyrone grabs his stomach in mock pain)

Someone in background: Alright another one…

Geoff Green: (drummer) I like to play cricket on a hard wicket.

Tyrone: A what?

Geoff: Hard wicket.

Pause

Tyrone: Are you trying to TEST me Greenie? (weird gun noises, Paulies groans) One all.

Paulie: Alright the decider… Nick!

Nick Stuart: (guitarist) … yep?

Paulie: Inspire us with a sentence with which to pun.

Nick: Pressure … gosh how about one about the cows in the paddock?

Pause

Tyrone: I reckon we'd better get mooving on that one …

Paulie: yeah, I reckon we'll have to milk it …

Tyrone: No, I got in first …

Paulie: Right one more … (turns to guy holding camera)

Guy with camera: My, what a lovely … footstool you have.

Really long pause …

Paulie: Toe-tally…

(spasmodic laughing)

Tyrone: Paulie Wins

Damn it, I think that transcript was funnier than my whole chapter. Oh well.

This was the conversation that started it all, so I just thought I should give it credit, and I hate to sound like some spastic ad, but seriously they are a great band so if you don't have their albums, that is your next homework assignment. They are right up there with Radiohead and The Tea Party and all those other great bands.

Ah, I've gone off on a tangent. Please review!

Ha! TANGENT! (Tea Party fans will get that.)

Thankyou.


	6. That Cullum addiction

Well, It happened! The review average per chapter for one of my fanfics, namely this one, reached 10!! (10.1 for those who are perfectionists) To me, this means that this particular fanfic is a SUCCESS. So thankyou very much to everyone who reviewed, I really appreciate it. And I know those of you who have about one hundred reviews for every chapter of your fics are probably sniggering to yourselves at my "success." Well, bullocks to you. But well done for writing such a well-received fic.

Well, I have just a few notes before I begin. Number one, I'm sorry I seem to update only, like every nine years but this time I have a defense, feeble as it may be … kids, I was banned from ! Yes, for posting up an essay (which I was very proud of) entitled, "Why no one reads The Lord of the Rings anymore." I forget how long my ban was for, but it was several weeks, so I left this site alone for about a month or so. Must not taunt the gods.

Number two, I'm going to re-load all the earlier chapters of this story, simply because I had formatting problems with them when loading them up the first time and there are also many grammatical errors which are really giving me the shits.

Well, thankyou for joining me on this **crazy rollercoaster ride** and please review!!!!

Oh, one more thing. I am very aware that Jamie Cullum wouldn't materialize in middle Earth. Just go with it.

June 1st:

June!! Ah! The sixth month of the year! Well, fifth if you don't count March, but I see no reason why March should not be counted.

On other note, The Pun'n'Poets society is breaking up for a few weeks. I joined just before they have their mid year break, you see. They need several breaks per year because all that punning can wear a guy down. I will take real advantage of this break to improve on my pun skills. Poetry is fine, I already have that down packed. I'll just work on my puns. And it will be so enjoyable; I can say that I'll have "pun!" Geddit? Geddit? I replaced "fun" with "pun!" Classic!

June 3rd:

Arwen is starting to get into music, which is fine by me. Music is a very harmless medium, and it will never draw any kind of emotion. That is important for Arwen, because she seems a little down at the moment.

June 4th:

Arwen is going to the music library today to pick up some recordings. (Authors note: I KNOW, I KNOW!!! Middle earth did not have the technology to have sound recording, and we've only had it ourselves since the early 1900's and therefore the idea that Middle earth has CDs/tapes/vinyls/mp3's is preposterous, but it's a fuckin parody!!) I think I may join her as I am known for my exquisite musical ability since I bleated out a tune at my crowning.

June 6th:

We didn't end up going together after all. Arwen tied/gagged me and placed an Elvish curse on me so that I would die immediately if I left the house and so I got the feeling she wanted to go alone. Here are the recordings that Arwen got:

10 ways to kill (yourself) - Deathbizkit

10 ways to hate (yourself) – Deathbizkit

Twenty something – Jamie Cullum

Sacrificing the innocent – Pointless slaughter

Steps in Self loathing – murder without motive

We **really** suck monkeyballs – Good Charlotte

Black blood of my soul – the suicidal clowns

I make hamburgers – The Whitlams

There's something nagging me about this list, but I'm not sure what.

June 8th:

Ahah! My nagging doubt:

What's a hamburger?

June 9th:

Arwen wont speak. She stays in the laundry and listens to her new music. She wears lots of eyeliner now and it doesn't suit her. I best go tell her she looks ugly with it. Then whatever this problem is, it will go away.

June 10th:

Well, It didn't go so well. I strode into the laundry and announced to her that she was getting ugly. Her eyes narrowed and she snarled something at me, and I swear it was in black speech! She then grabbed the nearest recording, (which happened to be Jamie Cullum's Twenty Something) and threw it at me. I caught it and hastily retreated.

This is bad. Arwen and I have never had difficulties like this before.

What if she leaves me? I shall never face another day if that is the case. I would hide from the world.

Pray, sweet Arwen do not leave my loving arms.

Oh, Arwen, Arwen my love ….

Ooh, this recording is Twenty Something – the extended version!

June 13th:

I have been listening to the recording that Arwen threw at me and I am quite enjoying it. I like to sing along with it, and sometimes I like to dance. In a masculine way, of course. I'm listening to the track, "I get a kick out of you" at the moment. What's this cocaine? It sounds like some sort of harmless, delicious candy. Anyway, I get a kick out of Jamie Cullum! Haha! Brilliant!

June 15th:

Maybe it is just the absence of Arwen around me, but this Jamie Cullum is quite an attractive young chap. For a guy, for a guy. I'm not a bender. On the inlay pages of the recording there are photos and he reminds me somewhat of a hobbit. Kind of short, big grin, lots of energy for doing not much in particular (Authors note: After all, "Why do today what you can do tomorrow?" … I'm very sorry J.C fans …) However, he lacks the big hairy feet and fat little stomach which was always a bit of a turnoff as far as hobbits go.

Actually, this Mr. Cullum has quite a taut little body …

I think I should go spend some time with Arwen.

June 16th:

Day spent consoling Arwen. I'm finding this difficult, as I am unsure of what I am consoling her about.

June 18th:

I suggested to Arwen that we go and get another collection of music from the music library as in her current collection, there is a very subtle theme, that overall is a negative one. Excluding of course, Mr Cullum's recording (the inlay pictures have been mysteriously cut out) and possibly the song about hamburgers. Oh, And that song by Good Charlotte - that was just crap.

I think we may be on the road to Arwens highway of recovery.

June 20th:

I picked up Arwen a new set of recordings. She sent me to the library on my own. I said to her, "For me to do this you would give me your trust?" To which she replied, "it is mine to give to whom I will … like my … handbag." She promptly gave me her handbag with her wallet and library card, whilst hastily adding, "Heart, and my heart."

A bit intense, but whatever floats her boat.

Anyway, I got her:

Pointless nostalgic – Jamie Cullum

Jamie Cullum live at Blenheim Palace

The best of Jamie Cullum

The almost-best-but-didn't-quite-make-par of Jamie Cullum.

Jamie Cullum talks about salad for a long time (this was an interview)

Piano as percussion – Jamie Cullum (Authors note: Anyone who has seen him perform will know what that means … its very literal!)

Jamie Cullum does humorous impressions of American presidents

The Van Morrison collection

The last one I didn't really want. I just had to include it so Arwen wouldn't get suspicious of all the Jamie Cullum. She is perceptive, but I'm always one step ahead!

June 22nd:

I think Arwen may be back on her feet. Well, she is out of the laundry at least and floating around the house doing Elvish deeds like walking around in a flowing, glowing robe against a slight breeze, talking to the flowers and saying quiet laments under her breath with her eyes closed.

June 23rd:

I have just realised that since joining the Pun'n'Poets society and getting my fill of the charming, cheeky Jamie Cullum I have not attended to any matters of Gondor. Should probably see how my faithful city is fairing out.

But first I want to do some "air piano" to "Old Devil Moon."

June 25th:

Arwen confiscated my Jamie Cullum recordings. She said she was tired of hearing it blasting through the house and I paid more attention to that musician than I did to her. I think I really tried her patience when I was listening to his music while we were making out the other night. I don't think she liked the fact that I wore headphones. When she asked if she could listen too, I told her I preferred it my way, as it made me feel very close and intimate with Mr Cullum. It's really very selfish of her not to cater to my needs.

Anyway, she confiscated my recordings and even thought I tried to sway her with a charismatic rendition of my air-piano to one of his songs, she did not falter.

June 26th:

I'll teach her. Everytime she tries to talk to me, I'll reply using only lyrics from Jamie Cullum songs. How clever!

June 28th:

Perhaps it wasn't so clever. When Arwen asked me if I wanted her to make me dinner, I replied sassily, "Well you needn't." She took that to heart and I ended up eating a serviette for dinner.

Also, Arwen was receding into depression. She asked me what her point in existence was. So I replied, "Your'e nobody till somebody loves you …" A big smile spread across her face and she said, "And you love me …" but the I replied, "Well it ain't necessarily so…"

Arwen ran off crying, so I panicked and shouted after her, "Singing in the rain! High and Dry! Next year Baby! I want to be a popstar!" It didn't help a terrible lot.

I think I'd be good as a popstar. However, I'll have to settle for King.

June 30th:

I cannot believe a whole month passed and I didn't even think about considering working on my punning! The Pun'n'poets meet again early next month … what am I to do? My marriage is in shambles, my city is in disarray … and I blame Jamie Cullum!! If he weren't so damn seductive in a piano virtuoso hobbit kind of way, none of this would have happened. Curse be on thee Jamie!

For those shaking their heads in disappointment at my averageness, let me explain: I felt bad about not updating in so long, so I set out to write a chapter in one hit.

However, I was stuck for ideas.

A few days before, I had bought Jamie Cullum's second album, "Pointless Nostalgic."

So I combined the two. Badly, but hey.

I'm sorry if I somehow offended any Jamie Cullum fans out there … and I'm sorry to all the people who have no idea who he is because this chapter would have been utterly irrelevant for you.

Even so, feel like reviewing?

Go on, you know you want to?

Please?

Thanks anyway.


	7. Beehaving

Hey there everyone. I'm sorry for the extreme lapse in any updates ... I think the last one was March? Or something. I forget. Anyway, I've just been way too busy but now I've gotten half my exams out the way, I've got a little more time. Until I start studying for the next exam. Which is in two days. Should Start.

Anyway, I also blame my disgraceful lapse on the fact that I've been stuck for ideas. The one for this chapter is pretty terrible … I'm really scraping the bottom of the barrel here. Its kind of self indulgent too, but I spose in that sense its not as bad as the last one. I should have realised most people haven't heard of Jamie Cullum. He has a new album out by the way. Its okay.

I managed to lose all my fanfiction files on my computer, so I'm not sure what month I was up to. I think it was June. Or July. Shit. Well, lets just say July. If its wrong and it turns out I've skipped June, it's just an accident. As a rule I've never had anything against Geminis. Or borderline Cancerians.

Besides, like four people read this anyway, two of them friends of mine so I'm sure no one has been suffering a great deal. Bless.

**1st July:**

Well, the Pun'n'Poets society has resumed again. Actually they held a meeting today. I felt sorry for them, they clearly forgot I was part of their group. They had already locked the door by the time I got to the meeting room. Funny, because I was eager and arrived ten minutes early. They clearly had no idea I was standing outside knocking at the window because everytime I knocked, they simply chanted poetry louder. So I began knocking out of time to their chanting in a most distracting manner. I really wanted to get in on that meeting, see. They were reciting _"Sonnet of the Summer Lamby-lambs"_ which is a favourite of mine. Unfortunately once I started my knocking they all must have simultaneously succumbed to some kind of ear infection because they all covered their ears and kept on chanting louder. I did not want to irritate their eardrums, so I left. No matter, I'll just join them next week. Maybe I'll bring some poetry from my own collection. Arwen has a reasonable collection of Emily Dickinson. She's an uplifting sort of poet. But I don't know why she's always going on about death. It must be a metaphor for something. Maybe life.

**4th July**:

I made breakfast this morning. Arwen isn't well, so I made some for her too and offered to bring it to her in bed. She seemed pleased. I made a pretty good breakfast for her considering. I made her an egg on toast, sprinkled with parmesan cheese (Arwen says she likes things that are small and flaky, and that's why she enjoys procreation with yours truly. She tells that joke all the time. I tell her its not funny to make fun of a mans biceps. I can't help the way they are) with a tall, cool glass of apple juice.

I had trouble cooking the eggs. I didn't know they only needed a few minutes on the pan, so after I cracked them, I went and had a long hot bubble bath. By the time I got out they were pretty charred black and stuck to the pan. So I chiseled them off, but then I had a problem. I had no plates. I hunted around for something like a plate, but the only thing I could find was my Frisbee. It was clean, but I **_needed_** it. What would I have done if Gandalf decided to pop by for a visit? So I put the Frisbee aside and went into the garage. I ended up finding an old shield from all the One Ring pizzazz, and figured that would do. It had some old blood on it, most likely from slaying orcs outside the black gate, but you know, I don't think HIV is very common amongst orcs so I figured it would be okay. Unfortunately it was a bit big as it was as tall as me, but hey. So I dropped the charred eggs in the middle, but then realised I had no parmesan. So I ruffled my scalp and used some of my dandruff. And really … it was quite a nice breakfast. But you wouldn't think so they way Arwen complained. She didn't stop! "You forgot the bread!" or "I have no fork!" or "The shields cutting my neck!"

I will rethink doing favours for people in the future.

**5th July**:

Arwen is still complaining about the breakfast I made for her, just because she may have a blood disease from the shield. Its okay, elves can't die from sickness, but a blood disease will make her menstruation awful uncomfortable for the next year. Ew. Now I'll have to sleep on the couch. Anyway, about the complaints, well, enough is enough! "What about the apple juice?" I shot back. You can't complain about that!" Arwen glowered at me. "What apple Juice?" She demanded. "Don't pretend you don't know!" I snapped. "I brought a lovely tall glass of water with a delectable apple floating in it! **_That_** apple juice!" Arwen sighed in a defeated kind of way. "Number one, an apple floating in water does not count as apple juice, that's just an apple floating in water. Number two, Aragorn, that wasn't an apple, it was a chunk of beehive."

Well lah-de-dah Mrs Education.

**7th July:**

I feel bad for lashing out at Arwen. I was just projecting. I've been reading Freud. Can you tell?

**10th July:**

Turns out Arwen is actually pretty sick. Turns out she has a blood disease, incisions to the throat and had swallowed several waterlogged, yet angry bees. She's been taken away for minor surgery by Elrond. I wanted to go, but Elrond says I'm a danger to her. I understand. If I was in the same room as her when she was getting surgery, there's a chance that some nurses would be distracted by my rugged handsomeness and make a mistake while operating. So I'll stay away.

**12th July**:

Perhaps I should re do the house while she is away. I mean, its my fault she is unwell … I suppose … so it would be a nice surprise for her when she returns home. Besides, things like this never go wrong.

**15th July:**

Well, I've gotten some supplies for my home renovation. You know, manly things like crepe paper, curly coloured string and such. I'm going to make this place pretty.

**17th July**:

I've decided that I'm going to hold a working bee. If that's not masculine then nothing is. I've invited all my mates from the Pun'n'Poets, Legolas, Frodo, Sam, Pippin and Merry (not cause I like him but mainly cause I invited Pippin and I don't want to look like a butthead) Gimli (cause I hear is god with an axe), Elrond, Eowyn, Faramir, three of the lost seeing stones and Mowgli from the Jungle Book. The phrase is on the invitation is pretty damn catchy : "Come bee a part of this working bee and bee active for my wife is sick as she swallowed bees and that has nothing to do with mee."

**18th July**:

Do you know what sucks? New episodes of The Simpsons. And that song by that terrible boring punk band that goes for ten minutes. And female vocalists (and I mean "vocalist" in the broadest possible sense of the word) who end their name with double ee's.

**20th July:**

I'm setting up for the working bee, which is on in a few days. I've been gathering supplies and stuff. Are people meant to RSVP to these things? Will they bring snacks? I'll nary say no to a cheeseplate. Anyway, I've set up a portaloo in the backyard. I don't want them using my thunderbox … Elves can be surprisingly messy on the crapper. Okay its not really a portaloo, it's a hole in the ground. But I've put up walls and such.

Okay there are no walls, but there's a really big bush.

Yep, right, there's no bush. But you know, the hole's at the back of the yard.

Okay, all right. It's in the front yard. In view.

And theres no hole. I lied about that.

**Fine**. I expect them to crap in the letterbox. I don't like excrement and I'm sure Arwen wont mind cleaning it out when she gets home.

**23rd July**:

Well, the working bee was yesterday. It was, well, a complete fiasco now that I think about it. For starters, hardly anyone showed up. None of the hobbits did, which bothered me because I was really counting on them for that cheeseplate. Also, none of the Pun'n'Poets turned up either. I suspect all their invitations got lost in the mail. Naturally Mowgli didn't because he is a **fictional character**. Duh. Plus Faramir didn't turn up. In fact the only people who did were Gimli, who marched up to me armed with an axe and asked me what I'd like him to destroy so he could say that he'd done his part and leave. Apparently he had a date. Yeah. With A corpse.

That's just my anger talking I didn't mean that.

Oh yeah, Eowyn turned up too. Despite the fact she is married to faramir, I suspect she still fancies me. She pretends that she's an elf nowadays, wears a long brown wig and spends her time walking around slowly looking demure and holding dainty flowers. She's even changed her name to Erwen. So she didn't do too much. In fact, the whole day the only thing that was done was that Gimli chopped down one of the walls to our bedroom. Then he left. He didn't even clean it up. There's rubble and shit everywhere.

After a few hours I managed to get Eo – sorry –Erwen out of my yard by promising that I'd meet her in Rohan in three days. That should buy me at least four hours until she realises she's an idiot.

Once again, that's just my anger talking.

**25th July**:

Well, the house is exactly the same minus one wall. I don't think it would be right to say that I made things any better, but the important lesson here is **Be yourself.**

Right?

Well nothing to do except wait for Arwen to come home. Maybe she'll fix the wall.

**Please review guys, I'm wallowing in crapulence right now because I just realised that Daniel Radcliffe is hot. Shut up, shut up, shut up.**


End file.
